It’s been a while since I blogged regularly.
Who am I kidding? I have never blogged regularly. =P I do have some stuff going on that I want to talk about, so I am going to (once again) attempt to blog more often. I may succeed, I may fail.
Back in August I put it all out there and wrote a gut wrenching post about how I want to feel, and how disgusted I was with what I had done to my body. It was really hard to put out there, and I was hoping that by bearing it all and being so open that it would spark something in me. Well, it did. The spark started out small and it took 8 months, but ever since I posted that I have lost the ability to ignore my problems. It didn’t quite cause the instant rush of motivation to go out and conquer it all and make a radical change I was going for. I wasn’t some overnight sensation that dramatically changed my life. The change was slower, mostly because the depth of my ability to put up with my own self loathing was much more vast than I thought it was. I ended up spending months noticing more and more of the things I didn’t like about what I was doing to myself. It built slowly, but it did build.
I finally reached a breaking point about 3 weeks ago and something clicked. I don’t know how to describe it, I just felt READY. Ready to make a change and really give something an honest shot. In the past I have always chosen the meal plan, or diet, or “lifestyle change” that was the easiest to manipulate and seemed like it would give me the most dramatic results in fastest time with the least amount of actual change from me. It wasn’t an intentional thing, I just gravitated towards things that would let me cheat but dress it up as revolutionary. In reality it was just another way to throw off my bodies balance enough to cause weight loss in the short term but it would all bounce right back quicker than I lost it to begin with. You know… the yo-yo that EVERYONE claims happens with every plan BUT theirs. I thought I was AVOIDING exactly that, but I wasn’t. They were attractive to me so I would fall for the hype, but now I feel like since I am being honest about myself I can see the options in front of me more honestly, as well.
When I saw a friend of mine on FB post about this plan she was doing it struck something in me. I think she just happened to be talking about the changes she was making at the exact time that I was finally ready to make changes in my own life. She was doing a clean eating, gluten-free, dairy-free, whole food program. All of the things that I would NEVER do before because it was too restrictive/expensive/complicated/over the top crunchy. Suddenly it didn’t seem so over the top anymore. All of the foods I used to indulge in stopped tasting good a few months ago because I was so grossed out with myself for eating them. The idea of actually PLANNING not to eat them was appealing. So, I researched the program on the best place to find tons of random crap… Pinterest. I found dozens of recipes, charts that listed all of the things I could eat, guidelines for what to avoid and how to replace it, outlines of how you will feel as your body notices that you aren’t shoveling junk into it anymore (a lot of people call this “detoxing” but I HATE that word, it’s been made so cliche by the diet industry that using it at all feels cliche now), and tons of other good stuff that really made me feel prepared. I watched this friend of mine post more and more about how she was feeling the longer she was eating that way, and that was exactly what I wanted. I wanted what she had. So, I decided to stop wanting and start doing.
I am on day 12 of Whole30 (look it up if you are curious, I am not here to peddle the plan, just talk about my experience) and while I have still had temptations and weak moments, I have stuck with it. Not only have I stuck with it, I feel STRONG in my resolve still! I am already down at least 10 lbs, and although I have a LOT to lose, that 10lbs was instant proof that what I am doing is allowing my body to let go of the extra fluid that it has been retaining to protect itself from the awful stuff I have been putting into it. I bet some of that was even excess fat. The best part is that I haven’t felt deprived at all, in fact I am not really eating enough! I have been shoving my face with healthy, whole, clean foods and they are delicious! I think Whole30 may end up being more like Whole90 because with my horrible relationship with food I think I need a longer reset, but even the prospect of 90 days without my beloved Takis, or cotton candy, or chocolate on Mother’s Day, or BBQ smothered everything on Father’s Day, or Macayo’s isn’t daunting to me. It makes sense to eat the way I am eating now, not because some book or motivational speaker or documentary tells me it makes sense… but because food is not my crutch, or my comfort, or my entertainment. Food is fuel for my body.
- One should eat to live, not live to eat. -Moliere
- Let food be thy medicine, thy medicine shall be thy food. – Hippocrates
- Those who have no time for healthy eating will sooner or later have to find time for illness. -Edward Stanley
- In order to change we must be sick and tired of being sick and tired. ~Author Unknown
This time feels different. This time I am going to be different. It’s a whole new me.