I have to start over. It is hard to do, and I have a long road ahead, but I have to do it or I will be miserable. This is one of those situations where if someone else was in my shoes, I could tell them exactly what to do to make a new ending, and my advice would probably work, too. When it is my OWN problem I am looking at though, the obvious answers are not so obvious.
I am just tired, and unhappy, and ready for a change to come now that is going to take a great big later to achieve. Lots of hard work and dedication, even more delayed gratification, and some serious soul searching. All things I am good at in every venue but this one. I once heard that the definition of maturity is delayed gratification. I am starting to find out how true that is. You can’t be a responsible mature adult and just do whatever you want, whenever you want, and damn the consequences. More specifically, for me. eat whatever I want, when I want, and damn the inevitable pounds.
I have talked about all of this before. I have felt that surge of motivation. I have crafted that plan and executed it well… for a few weeks. And then, like so many other people, I give up because it is “too hard”. I forget all about how hard it is to be so unhappy with myself because being unhappy with myself is a difficulty I am used to. I am not sure why I doubt myself, why I give up, and why I beat myself up so much when I don’t get amazing results the minute I start. Logically, intellectually, I KNOW that it is going to take me a LONG time, maybe YEARS, to get to where I want to be. The progress is going to be excruciatingly slow, I will feel pain, I will deal with bouts of depression when I hit a plateau, and if I stick with it, I will get through it. Still, I let any and every reason that comes my way be an excuse to give up again.
What is wrong with me? (Don’t answer that. =P)
I need to find a way to keep myself going. Just writing this blog post is making me feel more motivated to get off my butt and exercise, so that may be a good way. I will have to try it… update my blog with how I am feeling and WHY I should get off my butt every day.
Of course that will probably lead to a pretty annoying blog for everyone else to read… =P