I have felt a change coming for a while. Not like supernatural vision or anything, just a gut feeling that things were going to change. I had convinced myself that it would be a healthier lifestyle, weight loss, and an overall happier me. I had no idea that what it would actually be.
Yep, that’s right. I am pregnant! Had my first appointment yesterday and found out that I have actually been pregnant since May (April if you go by my last cycle) and I had NO IDEA. When you don’t have morning sickness and all of the pregnancy symptoms and changes that you do experience are as mild as mine have been, it is very easy to write it off as something else. I didn’t even test until I felt kinda crappy one weekend and people kept teasing me about being pregnant and I wanted to prove them wrong.
Turns out I am 13 weeks along. Estimated due date… January 26, 2011. =D They were all right!
A little back story is probably necessary here to understand why I was able to so easily brush away my whole first trimester as the heat getting to me, working too hard, and getting old. Adam and I have been married for over eight years now. When we first got married we decided within the first 6 months or so to expand our little family, and started actively trying to get pregnant. After a year of not even a single pregnancy scare, we made an appointment to get some fertility testing and I went through two rounds of progesterone to see if I ovulate and nothing each time. The doctor did some tests, checked me out, and couldn’t figure out what the problem was. Our only options at that point were keep trying and hope, try doing IVF, or adoption. That was back in 2003-2004. Adam was discharged from the military shortly after the fertility testing and we couldn’t afford to do IVF or adopt privately, so we decided to just keep trying and hope for the best. It only took another year, maybe two, of not using any birth control to finally give up completely. We talked about what never having kids meant for us, and eventually came to terms with it. We even started to relish the idea of it being just the two of us… travelling, more financial freedom, avoidance of all the icky parts of parenting like sickness and stress. Focusing on the bad parts of what we couldn’t have made it easier to be happy with what we did have. Only each other.
So, when I actually DID get pregnant, the thought of pregnancy as an explanation for anything I was going through never even crossed my mind. Not a hint. Not a glimmer. NOTHING. I have always been irregular… summers are HOT here… losing weight has it’s side effects… I shouldn’t have eaten so late last night… Everything BUT pregnancy. When I did finally get some tests, it wasn’t because I thought I was pregnant, it was to prove that I wasn’t because at that point about five people had told me that I was and I wanted to shut them up. =P
In fact, the first test I took was broken (no control line) but since it didn’t have a positive line I took it as negative anyway and was happy to go on my merry way. I couldn’t possibly BE pregnant. I was infertile!
Then when I had not one, but TWO waves of nausea the next day the thought crept back in… Maybe I shouldn’t trust that broken test. Maybe I should take the other one. When I got off work, I went right into the bathroom and took the other one and as I sat there and watched the pink plus sign appear almost immediately right before my eyes I could NOT believe it.
I couldn’t believe the next four tests either. Or the two I took after that. It wasn’t until I went to the doctor yesterday, got a real exam, and saw my baby on an ultrasound that I believed it. It was incredible. I know that for people who already have children, this is probably old hat to them. I could write a long eloquent tear jerking rendition of what I was feeling right then, and how I feel now, and they would think “I know, I have done it already”. For the girl who honestly believed that pregnancy and parenthood is something she would never get to experience… that these human, life changing, extraordinary experiences would be something I would be robbed of either by circumstance or genetics… I just can’t describe what it feels like to be me right now.
I have always loved this quote about parenthood:
Making the decision to have a child is momentous. It is to decide forever to have your heart go walking around outside your body. ~Elizabeth Stone
For me, it feels like I finally found my heart, when I didn’t even know it had been missing.