The Waiting is the Worst Part.

I had my doctors appointment and ended up with more questions than answers. After both a transvaginal and abominal ultrasound, my doctor could not verify a pregnancy. He saw “something” that looked like it may be a sac, but that’s it. Adam swears he saw a sac and a clear division in the sac that looked like it could be a fetal pole developing. My doctor also basically ruled out an ectopic pregnancy, which is great.

So at this point, one of two things could be happening.

1) I am pregnant, and things are progressing normally, I am just not as far along as my last period would have made me believe at first. My last period was April 1st which would have put me at 8 weeks, but what he could see in my uterus couldn’t be further than 4 or 5 weeks along. If that is true, then I ovulated late. It would explain why it took me so long to get a positive test (not until May 17th). The fact that my tests started out so light and then progressively got darker each day also fits nicely into this theory, because it indicates that my hCG levels are rising the way though should be if I had just ovulated late.

or

2) The pregnancy stopped progressing after a few weeks and there is a sac but no embryo. That would not explain why I didn’t get a positive until after the pregnancy would have stopped progressing, but it could be an explanation as to why we didn’t see much on the ultrasound.

So, my doctor is running an hCG level on my blood and I am going back in two weeks to have another look. I am hoping his office will call me tomorrow with my hCG levels, even if they don’t prove that my levels are rising, because they can prove that they are at least normal. If the numbers are extremely high or extremely low that is the sign of a problem. As it stands, I feel normal. Just like I did last pregnancy. Not a cramp, or a twinge, or a single indication of spotting. No morning sickness, no sore boobs, no typical pregnancy symptoms. Just like last pregnancy. I have had a few vivid “pregnancy” dreams, I do feel more emotional (which could easily be attributed to the stress I am feeling over this wait and see diagnosis), and I have had a few bouts of heartburn. But otherwise, nothing to indicate… anything really. Pregnancy or miscarriage. Considering how symptom free my pregnancy was with Kaia, this is reassuring to me at the moment.

I am not entirely sure how I am feeling right now in the emotional sense, though. I know that I am taking entirely too many pregnancy tests, more than one every day, to ease my mind that I am in fact still pregnant. I know that the tests don’t prove that I won’t still miscarry… the don’t even prove that there is an embryo in there since until my body discards the empty sac, I could conceivably still have hCG in my bloodstream. I just know that seeing the positive at least gives me hope. When I sit and think about everything that led up to this point, in my head it seems like all of the pieces fit perfectly into the late ovulation but everything is fine camp (or at least everything is fine right now). I still can’t completely let go of doubt and have faith that everything will be okay. I have never been one to succeed at the whole faith thing. At times like this I wish I was a whole lot better at it, that’s for sure.

I can’t even fathom how I will deal with a loss. I never saw myself as a woman who would be pregnant at all. Now I am a mother and I still can’t believe I get to raise this amazing little being, and that she is part of ME. I dealt with the grief and loss that came with accepting my infertility and living it every day for almost a decade, I don’t know that I can deal with a whole new kind of grief and loss. I hope I never have to. It would tear me into pieces.

So, for now, I will keep on testing every time I feel unsure. I will keep running over how everything has happened so far in my head to try and reassure myself. I will keep asking my husband what he saw on the ultrasound so that he will reassure me. I will spend time talking to, playing with, kissing, hugging, and giggling with my daughter and being grateful I have her. That’s all I can do.

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One thought on “The Waiting is the Worst Part.

  1. After we lost Chance while living in Germany, I was running scared… I knew we wanted another baby sooner rather than later, but with the loss still fresh in my mind, I was scared shitless once I got a positive test only 3 months out… and then, when I had my ultrasound for dating purposes, there was nothing but a tiny little empty-looking sac. That tiny little empty-looking sac is now 4 years old, and named Ian Carter… so, though bad things CAN and DO happen, we have to remain hopeful in this life!

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