I have been trying to gather my thoughts for a few weeks and figure out what I want to write about and it hit me today that unless I just open this thing up and start writing, I will never actually update. I know, I know, slow on the uptake…
So, here I am. A lot of thoughts have been swirling around lately, about pregnancy, kids, family, careers, life goals… Most of all I have decided that I need to change the direction of my life so that my kids will have better lives. I know, DUH TRINA. Doesn’t everyone want that? Figuring out HOW to do that is where the problems start.
There are a few things that I KNOW. One, I am not as financially responsible as I should be. While we aren’t incurring any new debt, and we do pay down some of our old debt, I don’t have a working budget that I stick to and we aren’t saving any money. While we aren’t being stupid, plenty of people live “paycheck to paycheck” and to do so without digging a bigger hole is good, we aren’t being SMART either. I don’t want to work until I die to afford my bills. I don’t want to tell my kids “Sorry, no college fund, we can’t help you”. I don’t want to have to scramble every time the car needs a repair. So, we need to get our financial house in order. I look back on our financial decisions when we first got married almost 10 years ago, and thinking through the years I can pinpoint multiple places where if we had just done this, or saved that, or changed the other thing we would be so much better off right now. I don’t want to look back in ANOTHER 10 years and view it the same way, except with a whole new decade of regret added on.
Two, I really want to focus on what kind of family we want to be. Now that our family is drastically changed, and continuing to change with the addition of another baby being born next year, I find myself thinking a lot about the traditions my family had growing up and what I want to do for my own kids. Some things will be different. For example, we don’t celebrate Christmas, so any Christmas traditions I want to carry on will have to be altered to fit Yule instead (although we will still attend family events for Christmas with our families, just not celebrate it in our own house). I remember having family dinner at the table every night with my grandparents. I remember taking vacations together, mainly to Disneyland. I remember how we did chores, the ages we were allowed privileges, bedtimes, rules for sleepovers… so many different traditions and rules in my house growing up that I am going to have to establish for my own kids now. As a child I accepted the way my grandparents ran the house as the way it was but I never understood WHY they did things the way they did. As a parent I realize now that it wasn’t arbitrary or accidental, my grandparents really thought about each rule and every tradition and what those things meant for us. Now I find myself weighing pros and cons to all kinds of decisions, wondering what message it will send to my kids, what things I am willing to bend on and what I feel strongly about sticking to no matter what, and how I will set different standards for each child based on what works best for THEM when I need to without making them feel like I am playing favorites. Being faced with the realization that I now have to make all of these choices for my own kids really gives me a new appreciation for my grandparents! What amazing, amazing people.
Three, pregnancy for me the second time around is a COMPLETELY different experience, one I should stop over analyzing and just enjoy for what it is. Being almost 22 weeks pregnant with child #2, pregnancy and having another baby is something that is almost constantly on my mind. Not only the health of my baby and how to prepare for their arrival, but how drastically different this pregnancy is from my last. I was exactly this pregnant (-1 day) at exactly this time last year, but how I feel about pregnancy and my reaction to expecting another baby are as different as night and day. I am ecstatic to bring another life into my family. Physically my pregnancy doesn’t feel any different from my first. A few things are different, but the symptoms are the same at about the same time. The difference lies in how I feel about being pregnant. Last pregnancy I stayed in a constant state of awe and disbelief the entire time, while this time being pregnant feels completely normal and natural. I am not anxious about every little ache, pain, cramp or twinge. I don’t check for blood on the toilet paper every time I pee. I don’t jump and go gaga over every kick to the gut. Being so calm and accepting and pregnancy feeling so ordinary to me worried me at first. I thought maybe it meant I wasn’t excited for this baby, or that I wouldn’t love it or be in as much awe over it as I was with Nikaia. This time I don’t have the giddiness I did last pregnancy, but I have left all of the stress and anxiety and overwhelming worry behind as well. That’s not to say I don’t have crazy overemotional pregnant rampages once in a while on one of my more hormonal days, but they aren’t about the baby this time. =P I struggle with this, and I know I shouldn’t, but I do.
Anyway, that is my rambling for today. I need to make a better effort to post more often so that every entry isn’t a big senseless word vomit of my thoughts for the last two months and actually has some kind of point to it. Maybe I should post more about how I don’t know what to post about and I am putting off posting. =D