40 BAGS IN 40 DAYS Declutter Challenge!!!

A friend of mine, Ann Marie, runs this amazing blog called White House Black Shutters, and she is doing an awesome challenge right now that I am so excited about participating in. It’s called 40 BAGS IN 40 DAYS and it’s all about decluttering and decrappifying your space. This is something I DESPERATELY need to do right now. My home is my office, and with two little girls now mobile and running around my house like dirty little banshees, the less I have for them to twirl into a sticky pile of mess the better. I can’t tell you how many times I have spent the last two minutes before a video meeting with colleagues at work pushing an array of toys and toddler clothes out of the frame of my webcam so that when I popped into a meeting  the toddler tornado wasn’t visible.

So… It. Is. ON. Time to fix it! The point of the challenge is to spend Lent simplifying. Every day either fill a bag to donate/trash/sell, or pick one area of your home or office (or both in my case) to clean and organize. I have wrangled a few coworkers, a few family members, and a few friends into doing the challenge with me already, and we are all getting started today!  My first area is my couch which is a very large, very comfortable sectional with this amazing ottoman that is so big we call it baby island… and there is MAYBE 1.5 butts worth of space to actually sit on it. Between the laundry, toys, and other random pieces of random randomness, it has been taken over and no longer serves it’s intended purpose. That all changes as soon as I am done writing this post. I will post my before and after pics when I am done.

If you would like to join the challenge with me, you can find out all of the deets here:
http://www.whitehouseblackshutters.com/40-bags-in-40-days-2013-declutter-challenge/

I have already joined the FB group created for it (there are 400+ people in there and it’s already proving to be very motivational!) and I plan to blog and Instagram (#40bags40days) my progress. Join me and we can help keep each other motivated!

Dear Kalista,

The first thing that I want to tell you is that I love you. I have loved you from the moment I found out you were coming, and I still love you just as much… no, more… than I did then. You are my second, and I want to make sure that you never feel second best. I love you as much, although in different ways than, your sister. Although I am sure that at times I will fail, I promise that I will try to never compare you to Nikaia in any way that makes you feel like you aren’t good enough. You are good enough, you are smart enough, you are brave enough, you are beautiful enough… YOU are more than enough all by yourself. On the same token… You entering our lives was an addition to the family, not a substitution or a replacement for anything your sister was lacking. You are two very unique, very special, very amazing little girls and while we will never love you exactly the same (since you are two very different people), we will always love you both with our whole hearts. There will be no splitting our love between you, you both get ALL of the love we have to give.

There are so many things I hope for you. I hope that you will be ridiculously happy with whatever life you create for yourself. I hope that you will take the time to stop and smell the roses. I hope that you will find a creative outlet that allows you to release your sadness and express your happiness.  I hope you will find your voice and never be afraid to use it. I hope that you will know the joy of carrying a baby and I hope that motherhood will impact your life the way that being your mother has impacted mine. I hope that you will recognize and utilize the ambition that you have inside of you. As a baby you had hip dysplasia and needed therapy to do simple things like roll, crawl, and transition from one position to another. You never let your limited range of motion stop you from doing what you wanted to do. As a baby you couldn’t care less what prognosis doctors gave you, you didn’t understand those silly words and continued to work towards whatever you wanted no matter what came out of your doctor’s mouth. I hope that as an adult you will continue to let the silly words of others pass right by you and go for what  you want no matter what anyone else thinks about it.

Right now you are 10 months old, and already I see a fire in you that I wish I had in me throughout my life. Your determination and your attitude while you work so hard to do things that other babies do with ease, is absolutely inspiring to watch. You don’t need inspirational quotes, or pep talks, or an adult understanding of the importance of reaching your goals… All you need is that shiny toy in the corner that looks oh so delicious. Your motivation isn’t muddied by someone else’s opinion of you, your self worth isn’t defined by your ability to keep up with anyone else, you do what you want to do because YOU want to do it. This attitude is lost on so many people as they grow, or they never have it at all. You are special, though. You are brave. Watching you has renewed my own sense of self, and brought me new life, not just in the form of you but within me, too. You being here and causing me to change more diapers, spend more money, do more housework, and wake up more often isn’t the only change you have brought… you have caused a change for the better within me just by being you, and you didn’t even have to try.

Your father and I are so happy that you came into our family. We are so grateful that we get to be your parents. We are overjoyed that you are Nikaia’s sister. We love you so much!

Mom

What does thin feel like?

Lately, I have been feeling very bad about myself. Bad enough to cry about it. Bad enough to cycle into the never ending catch-22 of being depressed and eating to feel better, and then getting depressed about eating, then eating to feel better, then getting depressed about eating, then eating to feel better, then getting depressed about eating… You get the idea. My entire adult life I have been overweight except for one two year long period where I was abusing my body with drugs, and even though I was thin then, I wasn’t healthy and I certainly wasn’t sober enough to pay any attention to my body at all.

You know that saying “nothing tastes as good as being thin feels”? I recently heard that phrase again, for the first time in a long time, in fact. I don’t remember where, or why, but for some reason reason it banged around in my noggin for a while and got the brain hamster running at warp speed. Now this may seem like an obvious point to some people, and of course saying it out loud now is a “duh” moment, but… I have no idea what “thin” feels like. By thin, I don’t mean skinny at the expense of all else. I am not talking about dress size and number on the scale above all else. What I am specifically thinking of is being fit, healthy, and just generally feeling good about myself. So, for the sake of this blog post, to illustrate my personal train of thought when repeating “nothing tastes as good as being thin feels” over and over again in my head, thin means healthy. Thin means self confident. Thin means everything that I do not feel about myself right now.

Phrases like that are meant to be motivational to someone when they are having cravings for food that is unhealthy and they need a reason to fight the urge and walk away. The problem with phrases like that (besides the obvious problem of defining thin to mean skinny rather than healthy) is that if you don’t know what thin feels like, they tend to lose power. If I had some frame of reference for thin, some time in my life where I felt powerful, beautiful, desirable, or self confident then I could draw from that memory and use it to gather up my willpower. I can honestly say I have never felt any of those things, at least not when it comes to my body or my vitality. The more I think about it, the more I want so badly to have that experience, to know what it feels like.

So, since I can’t draw from past experience, I will create an image of what I think it feels like by describing what being overweight, sluggish, unhealthy, and depressed feels like for me now. I will list what I want to change, and what I want to change it to. I am a classic avoider. I know when something is wrong, and in an attempt to prevent myself from focusing on all of the bad so that I don’t forget all of the good in my life (and I really do have SO much good) I avoid it. Unless I am, at that moment, dealing with whatever feeling a particular action brings up, I refuse to acknowledge that it exists. I don’t ever think about how I get out of breath going up stairs, unless I am climbing a flight of stairs… and I avoid stairs as much as possible so that I don’t have to face the fact that I get winded going up them which makes me feel like crap. See, there is that nasty catch-22 again. Time to catch that catch-22 and beat it until it runs away screaming, preferably up a flight of stairs.

So here it goes… My list of what thin feels like, or maybe more accurately, what I imagine thin feels like based on how much fat sucks. (Big thank you to the girls of MSOS and Chas for helping me to compile this list, and for talking to me about this topic to get my motivation started.) Some of these may be harsh, but they are all true.

  • Getting into the bathtub with my babies for bath time without my legs falling asleep almost instantly because of the weight of my belly cutting off circulation in my legs.
  • Going into my closet and grabbing a shirt to wear without having to cycle through half of my closet before I find a shirt that doesn’t feel like it is suffocating me or showing the world my belly bulge, and feeling worse and worse about myself with each one I try on.
  • Being able to get comfortable in bed without tossing and turning because I am cutting off circulation in one extremity or another.
  • Being able to fit on the kiddie rides at amusement parks with my girls once they are old enough to go on them.
  • Being able to go into a store and actually buy off the rack.
  • Being able to fit into my oversized bathtub with my husband, at the same time, and have some relaxing time together.
  • Being able to touch my toes.
  • My husband’s clothes being big on me, not the other way around.
  • Being able to go in public without constantly wondering if someone is looking at me with disgust because of my size.
  • Running with my girls.
  • Fitting down the slide at the park.
  • Being able to get in and out of the back seat of my car without having to plan how I am going to twist to get out without embarrassing myself.
  • Being able to enjoy marital happy fun time with my husband without limiting it to a very small selection of positions and places because of my physical comfort level and ability.
  • Having some slack when I put on a seat belt on an airplane, and being able to sit in the seat without having to force the arm rest down with my elbow so that no one can see that my belly fat is pushing it up.
  • Being able to cross my legs above the knee without pushing my stomach so far up into my diaphragm that I can’t breathe.
  • Getting to have a cute, obvious pregnant belly instead of being forced to wear a shirt announcing that I am in fact pregnant in public to avoid people staring at me wondering if I am pregnant or just have a lot of belly fat in front.
  • Being able to scoot past people in the movie theater without bumping them.
  • Going in for my next c-section without there needing to be extra people to move me from the operating table to the bed after the surgery, and without the fear that they will drop me because I am too big.
  • Having my babies cut out of me without the aid of a ton of adhesive tape attached my my belly to lift up my fat so that my doctor can cut underneath it to make the incision in the proper place.
  • Being able to recover from surgery without needing to stuff a wash cloth under my belly to prevent my extra fat from rubbing my incision site and opening it back up again.
  • Having thighs that are the same color as the rest of my legs instead of a few shades darker because of them rubbing together causing skin issues.
  • Being able to wear a dress without bike shorts or legging underneath to prevent excess sweating and chafing.
  • Bracelets and rings that fit.
  • Eating what everyone else is eating at a restaurant without feeling like you are the one being stared at with looks of “that explains why she is so big” on their faces.
  • Having a healthy, natural glow instead of a ruddy, splotchy complexion.
  • Loving to shop instead of dreading the mere thought of stepping foot into a clothing store, grocery store, or restaurant.
  • Looking forward to doing active outdoorsy activities instead of worrying if you will be able to keep up or if people will be staring at you the whole time you do them.
  • Being able to pick out a cute bra from Victoria’s Secret.
  • Having energy without shoveling caffeine down my gullet to get it.
  • Feeling light on my feet.
  • Having an actual waist line, not just two fat rolls meeting in the middle of my abdomen.
  • Planning a tattoo without thinking about which body part to put it on that won’t expose a fat roll to the tattoo artist.
  • Feeling in control instead of spiraling out of it.
  • Walking, running, even sitting without feeling my stomach touching the top of my legs.
  • Laying down on my back on a flat (not inclined) surface without my boobs touching my neck.
  • Never having to hear my daughters describe me as fat.
  • Being the funny sister, or the smart sister, or the pretty sister, or the older sister instead of the fat sister.
  • Wearing the brands I love instead of admiring it on other people because they don’t carry my size.
  • Dressing up for Halloween for the first time in over a decade because I can find a costume that both fits me and doesn’t make me feel exposed and embarrassed.
  • Feeling good about myself without the exorbitant amount of effort it take to merely TRY To feel good about myself now, and sustaining that feeling without it crashing down because of the simple glance of a stranger.
  • Knowing that people are looking at me because I look good instead of because I look bad.
  • My outsides matching my insides.
  • Going through life without the thought of dying early from a preventable obesity related disease and missing out on watching my amazing girls, who deserve their mother to be around for all of their big life achievements, grow up.
  • Looking at myself in the mirror. I can’t tell you the last time I actually stopped and looked at myself.
  • Seeing more than just a double chin in every picture of myself.
  • Sitting in folding and plastic chairs without wondering if I exceed the weight limit or if the chair legs will buckle under me and send me crashing to the floor in front of everyone.
  • Wearing a pair of jeans all day without getting a raw red line around my belly from them rubbing every time I move.
  • Dressing without contraptions under my clothes to avoid mushroom top or back fat exposure.
  • Going an entire day without my knees, hips, ankles, or back hurting.
  • Going an entire day without feeling like I am being controlled by food.
  • Getting up from the couch without groaning like an 80 year old.
  • Being able to have a photo take of me with my girls. I have a small handful of photos of me with them, and those all make me cringe. The way things are going, they will have no photos of themselves with their own mom to look at when they are older, and I won’t have any to look back on of me with them when they were babies. This, especially, makes me so sad.

The more that I add to this list, the more that I think of. I have always executed all of my lofty life changing goals in secret because I was too ashamed to admit that I felt like all of that ^. Obviously, that hasn’t worked for me, and my family deserves more out of my life than for me to shame spiral in secret any longer. So, I am putting this all out there. I am tired of feeling like this. I am tired of living in this skin that I have treated so carelessly, and under the shadow of the hole I have dug for myself. My hope is that if I put it all out there, I will not only be forced to face it with nowhere to hide, but that maybe someone somewhere will be able to relate and we can lift each other up and help each other through.

So, here it is. I want to see what “thin” feels like.

Having a Baby is a Competitive Sport

After I had Nikaia I let myself get sucked into that mom competition that goes on sometimes between mothers who have babies within a short period of time of each other. I would compare her to other babies around the same age, which is not only unhealthy, but completely unnecessary. I admit it though, I let myself get sucked in to the wanting my baby to do something first. I am convinced every mother does this at some point, if you say you never once thought that even for a second in your head, then I don’t believe you.

Now that Nikaia is getting older, and I am about to have baby #2, it is dawning on me the degree of stupidity that it takes to really go full on baby olympics with it. There are the moms who compare because they want to make sure there is nothing wrong with their baby. That is the category I fell into. I worried when Nikaia started crawling after kids who were younger than her, which I think is a natural thing to do. Of course, every mom wants their baby to be special so they look for something amazing and entertaining and just plain adorable that they can do (maybe even before another baby can do it, too), and while that feeling is normal, obsessing over it and constantly talking about it is not. When I started getting jealous of moms whose babies started popping teeth before Nikaia I realized that I was getting a little cuckooo bananas and needed to adjust my focus, so I did and I got the hell over myself.  It seems to me that there are moms who don’t catch themselves falling into this dangerous pattern and throw themselves fully into the baby comparisons and turn it into an organized sport. I am not just talking about comparing milestones, I am talking creating them from thin air to achieve that bloated sense of self worth that apparently comes from their tiny newborn writhing on the floor like an uncoordinated turtle on it’s back right in step with a song on the radio for 5 seconds straight. I am not exactly sure how to feel about this sort of thing when I watch it. Should I feel bad for them because they are obviously either 1) driving themselves crazy worrying about who else’s baby rolled over first, or 2) they are so delusional that they think their baby actually consciously made the decision to roll over at only 6 days old? Should I be worried because of the unrealistic expectations they could very well end up putting on those babies as they get older? Or, should I just sit back and laugh at the level of complete lunacy that the baby olympics rise to?

I will admit, it does make me just a little sad that these kids REAL milestones, their real intentional accomplishments, will most likely be overlooked in some kind of quest for the holy baby grail waiting for their kid to accidentally sign the word “alabaster” to them while they are trying to figure out how to get the Cheerio on their high chair tray successfully into their mouth.

P.S. Moms, if your child walks into a job interview in 18 years and proclaims that they are so advanced for their age that they were walking at 9 months old, or they poo-pooed in the potty before they turned 2, their interviewer is not going to be impressed and offer them a 6 figure salary and an expense account. They MIGHT, however, think they are super creepy and pretend that the position has already been filled.

A few things I have learned about pregnancy this time around…

1. It doesn’t always matter what happened the last time you were pregnant, that doesn’t mean the next one will be anything like what you have already experienced. The more pregnancy and birth stories I hear, the more it rings true. Just like no two people are the same, no two pregnancies are the same. There is always something different, and sometimes those differences are HUGE.

2. Guessing right while pregnant isn’t a super power.  The idea that pregnancy gives a woman a magical ability that grants some kind of sixth sense sounds great, and it probably makes pregnancy seem more magical and miraculous than it feels when you have what has to be a little jackhammer in there pounding on your innards, but highly emotional doesn’t equal highly insightful. Guessing the gender of your baby before you find out what it is doesn’t count as super pregnant spidey sense. There are only two possible options. It doesn’t take a rocket surgeon to guess right when you have a 50% chance.

3. Peeing will become an olympic sport. There are times you will have to bend, twist, distort, and balance your body in ways you never thought you could with a bowling ball attached to your abdomen. THIS is a real pregnancy super power, and it becomes necessary at some point in almost every pregnancy just to get the pee to come out. Even if you have to pee REALLY REALLY BAD.

4. Never fool yourself into thinking you are in charge and making the decisions. Until that kid is old enough to understand exactly what you are saying to it, all control belongs exclusively to them. Any decision that you make regarding your birth plan, labor and delivery, and the first few months of that babies life that actually DO go according to your plan only go that way because the BABY decided that it was a suitable plan. If you accept that now, you will feel like less of a failure when things crumble, and at some point they WILL crumble.

5. Any parent that tells you that they had zero trouble getting pregnant, a perfect pregnancy, and the exact pain-free perfect delivery that they always imagined is a liar. There is no need to call them a liar, however. Just know that this fantasy of perfection they have created in their head is most likely a facade to mask the disappointment they feel over the loss of control that their precious bundles of joy cause them to feel when they ruin all of their meticulous plans.

6. Pregnancy HURTS. As magical as making a new life is, and it is indeed a profoundly incredible experience, it fucking hurts. It is not supposed to be a day at the spa. It is SUPPOSED to hurt. Especially at the end. It is also important to note that it is normal to feel an increase in the aches, pains, pressure, and overall ickiness the further along you get. The life inside of you is doing unspeakable things to your insides. If you didn’t feel all of that you wouldn’t be a human being. This does not mean that your baby is done cooking, ready to come out, or needs to evacuate early. It means they are growing like they should which is a GOOD thing. This leads me to the most important thing I have learned…

7. Never take any precious day of gestation for granted. No matter how easily you got pregnant, how symptom free or symptom laden pregnancy is, how early you or someone else in your family was born/gave birth, how uncomfortable you are, how anxious you are to see your baby, or how well someone else’s baby did even though they were born early… Every day closer to your due date that you get with that baby still in your belly is a BLESSING. Through all of the morning sickness, aches, pains, breathing problems, heartburn, pressure, back problems, shooting vag pain, sleepless nights, joint spreading issues, contractions, or any other uncomfortable or downright painful symptom you have, if you can make it to 40 weeks then you are one of the lucky ones. Setting your sights on a 37 week delivery date for your baby when your due date is 40 weeks will not only set yourself up for disappointment if it doesn’t happen, but if you actively TRY to evict that baby before you reach your due date and they aren’t ready, it could rob your child of those last few important weeks when a lot of the essential organ development happens. Even if the baby has a 99% chance of survival outside the womb at 37 weeks gestation, even a 1% chance that your baby could die is worth keeping them in a little longer. I guarantee, it isn’t suddenly easier to deal with a baby when they can’t control their body temperature, have issues eating, or have digestive issues that cause them extremely painful reflux (things that a few more weeks in the womb could have greatly effected) than it is to deal with a few more weeks of pregnancy.

So far this pregnancy I have known three women who have given birth to their babies prematurely. Two of them died shortly after birth. The third is in the NICU and struggles with issues daily that would break any mother’s heart to watch their child go through. That mother will not be able to bring her baby home with her for MONTHS. All three of these women would have endured every single bit of pain that other women complain about just to have a few more days of gestation and give their babies a better chance than they had. The pain of 40 weeks of pregnancy is NOTHING compared to the pain of losing your child, and because of that, anyone who is lucky enough to make it to the end should never take that for granted.

Dear Nikaia,

The first thing that I want to tell you is that I love you. Because you were born into the family you were, you will hear these words a lot. Your dad and I will tell you, your sibling(s) will tell you, your aunts and uncles and cousins and all of your extended family will tell you. I am sure your friends will tell you. I want to make sure that you know what those words mean coming from me. I have never loved anyone or anything as much as I love you. Your unexpected arrival into my life changed it in more ways than I can count, every single one of them amazing positive changes that I wouldn’t trade for anything. I wanted you for so long, and finally having you is the highlight of my whole life. It changed everything. My love for you, as your mother, is stronger than any other love in the whole world. If I could take every ounce of pain, every tear, every discomfort, and replace it all with all of the love, happiness, and joy in the world I would do whatever it took to make that happen.

There are so many things I hope for you. So many things I wish I could give to you and guarantee you have in your life. More than anything, I want you to be happy. Truly, fully, overwhelmingly happy. I want every trial and tribulation you encounter in life to make you a stronger person. I want you to find a purpose in life that brings you fulfillment. I want you to know what it is like to truly love someone as a partner in this life, and to be loved in return. I want you to feel the love I have, as a mother, for you with your own children. I want you to feel the reward of helping others and giving selflessly. I want you to feel the accomplishment that comes from getting up after you have been knocked down. I want you to know what it feels like to turn something negative in your life into a life lesson and become a better person as a result. I would never wish pain on you, and if I could take every ounce of pain in your life away from you I would in a heart beat, but since I can not do that I want those painful experiences to bring you strength and show you what an amazing person you are. I want you to recognize what a beautiful, valuable person you are, inside and out, and for you to be able to recognize that same beauty and value in others.

Right now you are only 8 months old, but you are an amazing little creature. It’s hard to describe how it feels to watch this teeny little person you gave birth to slowly grow and change right before your eyes. Sometimes I can’t believe that you are ours, that we get to experience this life with you every single day. Other times I feel like you have been here all along, we just hadn’t met you yet. You fit into our family like we were made just for you and without you we would be different people. Watching you grow has been, and always will be, one of the most important and profound experiences of my life. The first time you said “Mama”, the first time you clapped, the first time you held your own bottle, the first time you giggled, the first time you pulled yourself up… These moments are the moments that have brought me so much joy that I literally felt like I could not contain it. I never would have guessed that you babbling at me and touching my face would be one of the most special experiences in my life, but it is.

As we bring a new little life into this family, a little brother or sister, I can’t help but reflect on how amazing YOU are. I will always love you for exactly who you are, whoever you choose to become. You have the very best of me, and always will.

I love you. Forever.

Mom

Procrastination!

I have been trying to gather my thoughts for a few weeks and figure out what I want to write about and it hit me today that unless I just open this thing up and start writing, I will never actually update. I know, I know, slow on the uptake…

So, here I am. A lot of thoughts have been swirling around lately, about pregnancy, kids, family, careers, life goals… Most of all I have decided that I need to change the direction of my life so that my kids will have better lives. I know, DUH TRINA. Doesn’t everyone want that? Figuring out HOW to do that is where the problems start.

There are a few things that I KNOW. One, I am not as financially responsible as I should be. While we aren’t incurring any new debt, and we do pay down some of our old debt, I don’t have a working budget that I stick to and we aren’t saving any money. While we aren’t being stupid, plenty of people live “paycheck to paycheck” and to do so without digging a bigger hole is good, we aren’t being SMART either. I don’t want to work until I die to afford my bills. I don’t want to tell my kids “Sorry, no college fund, we can’t help you”. I don’t want to have to scramble every time the car needs a repair. So, we need to get our financial house in order. I look back on our financial decisions when we first got married almost 10 years ago, and thinking through the years I can pinpoint multiple places where if we had just done this, or saved that, or changed the other thing we would be so much better off right now. I don’t want to look back in ANOTHER 10 years and view it the same way, except with a whole new decade of regret added on.

Two, I really want to focus on what kind of family we want to be. Now that our family is drastically changed, and continuing to change with the addition of another baby being born next year, I find myself thinking a lot about the traditions my family had growing up and what I want to do for my own kids. Some things will be different. For example, we don’t celebrate Christmas, so any Christmas traditions I want to carry on will have to be altered to fit Yule instead (although we will still attend family events for Christmas with our families, just not celebrate it in our own house). I remember having family dinner at the table every night with my grandparents. I remember taking vacations together, mainly to Disneyland. I remember how we did chores, the ages we were allowed privileges, bedtimes, rules for sleepovers… so many different traditions and rules in my house growing up that I am going to have to establish for my own kids now. As a child I accepted the way my grandparents ran the house as the way it was but I never understood WHY they did things the way they did. As a parent I realize now that it wasn’t arbitrary or accidental, my grandparents really thought about each rule and every tradition and what those things meant for us. Now I find myself weighing pros and cons to all kinds of decisions, wondering what message it will send to my kids, what things I am willing to bend on and what I feel strongly about sticking to no matter what, and how I will set different standards for each child based on what works best for THEM when I need to without making them feel like I am playing favorites. Being faced with the realization that I now have to make all of these choices for my own kids really gives me a new appreciation for my grandparents! What amazing, amazing people.

Three, pregnancy for me the second time around is a COMPLETELY different experience, one I should stop over analyzing and just enjoy for what it is. Being almost 22 weeks pregnant with child #2, pregnancy and having another baby is something that is almost constantly on my mind. Not only the health of my baby and how to prepare for their arrival, but how drastically different this pregnancy is from my last. I was exactly this pregnant (-1 day) at exactly this time last year, but how I feel about pregnancy and my reaction to expecting another baby are as different as night and day. I am ecstatic to bring another life into my family. Physically my pregnancy doesn’t feel any different from my first. A few things are different, but the symptoms are the same at about the same time. The difference lies in how I feel about being pregnant. Last pregnancy I stayed in a constant state of awe and disbelief the entire time, while this time being pregnant feels completely normal and natural. I am not anxious about every little ache, pain, cramp or twinge. I don’t check for blood on the toilet paper every time I pee. I don’t jump and go gaga over every kick to the gut. Being so calm and accepting and pregnancy feeling so ordinary to me worried me at first. I thought maybe it meant I wasn’t excited for this baby, or that I wouldn’t love it or be in as much awe over it as I was with Nikaia. This time I don’t have the giddiness I did last pregnancy, but I have left all of the stress and anxiety and overwhelming worry behind as well. That’s not to say I don’t have crazy overemotional pregnant rampages once in a while on one of my more hormonal days, but they aren’t about the baby this time. =P I struggle with this, and I know I shouldn’t, but I do.

Anyway, that is my rambling for today. I need to make a better effort to post more often so that every entry isn’t a big senseless word vomit of my thoughts for the last two months and actually has some kind of point to it. Maybe I should post more about how I don’t know what to post about and I am putting off posting. =D